IN RECENT NEWS:

I made a new blog, because apparently that's what I do sometimes. I NEED A CHANGE. So, I will no longer be updating this one. Aw. Anyways, if you want to keep up with my sometimes poetry and sometimes random lists/ridiculous updates about my life, I'll be posting stuff here: heartsbeatheadsbeat.blogspot.com

k. ily.

--erin

Outro

dear paris,

i would've stitched our hearts together like the lips of the damned
if it could've helped anything.

i'd've kissed you like you were more than just my muse,
but i needed to taste heaven before committing to hell.

(there was nothing less innocent than our love.

your black and white tendencies
were always more enticing than a technicolor alpine,

and your hands were always more thrilling.)

all good things must come to an end, though, paris,
and you...
you were the best thing.

mama tells me it's time to go now.
i know you won't wait,
but i'll be seeing you.

watching.
waiting.
writing.
i'm coming back to you,
someday.
someday.

i'm leaving the way i came,
pessimistically and with a journey weighing heavily
on my mind and
on my back.


goodbye, paris.

with a measure of corrupted love,

--alis priddy

r.e.m. is still turning when i walk away (actually literally.)

sometimes i think i'm stuck in that split second between flicking the switch and darkness.

or that infinity before the gas light turns on but after you think it should.

i've heard anticipation is a gift.

and i don't know if the smiths really sound better on vinyl or if the joy of finding my dad's old records is making me light-headed.

i'm living a series of befores, because durings are unremarkable and afters are nostalgic,

and I'm done with nostalgia.

the end of the beginning came and went with the beginning of the middle, and the middle of the middle is nothing to write home about.

until it is, i'll keep the shoeboxes of memories and nameless valentine's cards under the bed.

call me if you could use them.


--erin

(actual albums my dad owns.)

Observations:

Line the top lid.

Roll the cuffs once to the wrist, above the bone.

Top knot's a knot, more for annoyance than effort.

Hand towels don't stay on the hook.

Pillows littered, catching falling sighs.

Hips aren't as tall as shoulders, even on the side.

Satin lines on the nightstand, pen in the pages, saying, "be back soon."

Before the sunset between the blinds, caught in a room that won't notice it.

Ticking on the sill, time the light.

Soft angles and a curl falling by the jawline.

Pretend you don't mind silence.

Pretend you're the stillness.

Surrounded.

Soundless.

Soundless.

soundless


--Erin

Hi. I think I have a Crush. Capital C. Hi. I think I'm back in middle school.

Things that are cute about you:

• Green eyes (I like green eyes just in general, tbh)
• Your laugh when you stop caring
• The way you aren't ridiculously outgoing
• Your voice (it definitely isn't off-putting)
• That you sometimes watch me
• You say "hi" to me first
• Your smile when something unexpected happens
• Your smile when something unexpected doesn't happen, you're just happy
• You don't feel the need to smile all the time

Things you should know about me:

• I'm not what you would call "trusting"
• I swear (kind of a lot)
• I am kind of anti-social and you'll have to tear me away from fanfiction sometimes
• I'm protective of my restaurant leftovers
• I like babies
• I spend a lot of money at Sonic
• I probably won't talk to you unless you talk to me
• I sleep (kind of a lot)
• I write pretentious poetry often
• I will probably tell you the same stories over and over again
• I'm bad at the whole "share your feelings with me" thing, so if that happens, it'll probably be through pretentious poetry and I'll make you read it but then won't let you discuss it with me because I'm insecure about it and it'll make me feel weird that you've read it even if I've expressly told you to
• I love Harry Potter more than Dobby loves hats
• I probably won't tell you anything on either of these lists because you're cute but I'm introverted and I don't like that whole rejection thing because who does so I'm planning to die alone with various cats and dogs so my hermit house will almost invariably smell like shit and I'll be like that lady in my ward who had a pet raccoon oh my gosh I'm going to end up like Sister Tracey
• Sometimes run-ons
• I'm majoring in English and attempting to be with the Phantom so if we get married, which we probably won't, let's hope you're going the Raoul route and majoring in business or something boring like that (no offense to the business majors, but)

Conclusion:

• I wouldn't be opposed to you taking me on a date, but I can guarantee that I won't ask you out myself because I've already been over this with the Sister Tracey bullet point
• You're cute
• That first list is kind of short because we really haven't talked much because I'm antisocial
• I'm awkward and make weird faces all the damn time
• I swear and you're going on a mission, so I would try not to swear in front of you just like I try not to swear where anywhere on campus except where maybe Lexi and my roommate can hear it except for when I get locked out of my room at 1:30 AM and I don't know when my roommate will be back so I have to sit in the hall without my phone until she does and I accidentally swear in the middle of the hall
• You can't hold my heart yet
• You can hold my hand

--Erin

rep

watercolor eyes bleed through to page 8
mama shakes her head
good refrigerator magnets are hard to come by these days

eighteen year old blood pumps the same as sixteen
even if the brain works the river
not the ocean

running water
running
running

behind your ears
between your lips
against your palms
smiles

falling
falling
falling

by the side of the road
stepped on like leaves

under three year old shoes

washed down the gutter

washing
washing
washing

clutching death like a bottle

watching
watching
watching

bare feet that are better in the rain
clothes that are better on the hanger

watch me hit the ground

sixteen didn't know it
sixteen smiled through the sun
sixteen laughed like the aspens

shit
shit
shit

third person hurts
second person quits
first person can't smell the blood

scratch the skin
until you find what you're looking for

can't
can't
can't

don't feed me the clouds

still
still
still

watch the sky

/
/
/

wait for the angels



--erin

I think I'm a loner.

you can beat the drums on aluminum tables,

hang air from the rafters,

and wrap the color of my cheeks around the beams,

but i'll still sit alone,

watching

white teeth flashing

feet shifting softly

lips tracing lyrics

warm palms falling

chins facing the stars

and i'll wonder why i'm here in the first place.

i've never really liked parties, 

to be honest.

--erin

Things I have actually said out loud before:

(And people still want to be seen with me in public. Don't ask me why.)

• All I can do is eat my skirt.
• I think I'm sweating grape juice.
• If I weren't here right now, I'd be jumping over tennis nets.
• You are the literal son of the devil. How do you feel about that?
• My final form is a frog.
• I hate triangles.
• My hair has a wind blown thing going on. And by that I mean that it looks like I slept in a wind tunnel.
• Because that's how I like my males. With cowlicks.
• Just because I'm in love with your brother doesn't mean we can't get married.
• Will you be my... Dreamboat?
• You aren't a line.
• Yes, Joncathon, there is a "c" in your name. Didn't your mother ever tell you?
• I think that dog just jacked a police car.
• How about instead of bringing snacks, you guys can just feast upon my image?
• You look like a cockatool. Get it? Cockatoo? Tool? No?
• My arms are too heavy for my arms.
• You have kind of an emo/Disney prince/vampire thing going on today.
• I would sell my soul to be Louise Brealy when they filmed "The Empty Hearse."
• OF COURSE IT WAS CLIMACTIC! THERE WAS MURDER! The sandwich was the denouement. 

There are so many more that it's pathetic. We'll stop here, though.

Bonus Point:

A picture I have actually sent to a real live person in an email before. And am now posting to a blog. On the internet. It's times like these that I say, "Fuck it. I'll never see these people again." It's also times like these that I hate myself.

YOU ARE ALL WELCOME. MERRY IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.

--Erin

p.s. If any of you wants to copy my idea and post terrible pictures of you and your multiple chins and air dried hair and general undesirableness, I'd appreciate it. As much as I love doing embarrassing things alone, it would be cool if you all did this with me. #trendsetter #turningheads #notinagoodway

p.p.s. I really don't know why they let me out of the house at this point.

p.p.p.s. There are several good reasons I do not now and have never had a boyfriend. This whole post is exhibit A.

p.p.p.p.s. I'm so hot. lyk, its ridikulus. omg. those chins, gurl.

p.p.p.p.p.s. I swear I don't look like that always. Look. Proof. #selfiethursday

I always got participant ribbons.

Sometimes I want someone to be there to tell me why the spacebar is more worn out than the letters in "please"

and sometimes I want to ask love for its first name, because "in," "of," "for," and "with" are too simple to preface the thing I've never tried to search for.

My eyes are too restless to ask all the questions that matter, 

and before they can leave my lips they just slide back between my teeth and past my tongue and hide in my throat.

Wherefore art thou Romeo and wherefore art thou Juliet and wherefore art thou Erin
and it is the east and Juliet is the sun
But I haven't needed anyone to be the sun since I discovered why I liked the moon so much.

The sun is too busy.
It has to deal with hope and prayers and love.
It watches for hours and hours and everyone goes to see it.

The moon saves time for me, because I'm awake after the hope goes to bed.
It listens to my prayers and it knows why I can't let the questions past my lips and it knows why I'm asking in the first place.
It thinks more about the 3 a.m. lovers than the noontime dates
and it thinks more about the sad lips than the happy ones.

The moon, it sees them,
the tears hiding in your bedsheets and under your pillow,
and it wipes them away with a Mona Lisa smile.
Don't speak or you'll ruin it.

The moon sees with old eyes,
used to the desperation of the stars
and the things that can only be whispered when parents are asleep,

and I love it.

I love the yellow white glow,
the reflected light,
the face that I've never been able to see.

It knows why I look for Orion instead of the Big Dipper
and it knows why I'm disappointed when I find it.

The moon would tell me what love goes by, but it sees I want to find out on my own.
It would tell me whose name is more threadbare than the spacebar,
but it knows me too well.

It knows where I keep my nickels and it knows what shade of lipstick I wear
and it knows which skirts I wear for which occasions
and it knows why I wish I had more skirts for more occasions.

The moon breathes with the knowledge that it isn't warmth,
but the insomniacs love the light too much to care.

The light that turns gold into silver,
quiets the diamonds,
and relishes in pale skin and open-mouthed smiles.

The moon bleeds second place,
and maybe that explains my love.

The sun always got the gold.
Gold medals for the bright light.
Silver for the mirror in the sky.

I'd say that's a bad thing,
but it doesn't hurt to look at the moon.


--Erin

Paris is better than me at hide & seek

Give me a muse and I'll sing like the stars

but this poster of Paris

can't compare to reality

because

smoke and

dust and

love and

life

will always equal more there

than it does here

because I can bring Paris to Provo

but that doesn't mean 

it

still

wants

me

--Erin

49 things I have learned in my less than two weeks of college:

1. #collegelyfe
2. breakfast is overrated
3. the freshman fifteen is a thing and it's terrifying and it's also known as the cannon center
4. YSA ward sacrament meeting is eerily quiet
5. fanfiction is a life ruiner
6. I have an obsession with e.e. cummings
7. it's totally reasonable to spend $44 dollars at barnes and noble
8. poetry books are always more expensive than novels
9. it's actually a terrible idea to buy the big boxes of goldfish because freshman fifteen
10. being everyone's second choice kind of sucks
11. that whole hair-doing-looking-presentable thing is also overrated
12. I still love my mauve lipstick
13. cherish caffeine while you can, because guaranteed you're too lazy to walk across the street to Wendy's
14. skirts are a fabulous idea in the summer
15. unless it's windy
16. (courtesy of my roommate's cousin) don't park the car near the building if you plan on making out in it after your date
17. I either need to change clothes less often or get a bigger hamper
18. power outages result in screaming from apparently everyone but me
19. don't buy cartons of milk if you're only going to be using it for cereal every other day
20. even ten a.m. classes are difficult to stay awake in
21. the third floor is not the place to be if the a/c is out
22. there are bagels in the vending machines THIS IS NOT A DRILL
23. it's totally reasonable to be laying in your bed on a Friday night eating dry cereal out of a butterbeer mug while wearing a Gryffindor snuggie and reading fanfic about the Marauders
24. don't park near the grass or the dried sprinkler water will make your windshield esp difficult to see out of
25. writer's block is not the shit
26. cinnamon toast crunch is the shit
27. chick-fil-a is also the shit
28. sometimes saying shit on accident while you drive will make your roommate laugh
29. the whole mailing address thing in terms of the dorms is really difficult to figure out
30. it's really simpler to write notes on paper than to type them out on a laptop
31. like, really, that laptop is just more weight on your back
32. people like to go places without you 
33. all the time
34. so you end up sitting in your dorm room writing about things that you've learned so far in college and drinking dr. pepper with lipstick stains on the straw and reading selected poems from e.e. cummings
35. cake batter chapstick isn't actually bad
36. thumbtacks are really handy
37. as are command hooks
38. and goldfish
39. the xtreme cheese kind
40. even if it's $8.50 and you're just a poor college student
41. actual garbage bags are helpful
42. 3:14 is a perfectly reasonable time to go to bed
43. no one will want to go to seven peaks when you do
44. and they'll go to fault in our stars while you write a paper
45. and then you'll cry because feelings
46. and then you'll be okay because you'll come up with really good comebacks to the comments they'll never make
47. and listen to book on tape worm
48. and it's seriously all cool
49. like, srsly wat.

--Erin

Fell

Lovely words and lovely people
call your name

but they move too fast
and every time your hand reaches out

it touches air.
it touches air.
it touches air.
air touches it.


--Erin

Block

The words have come easier than they do now

and maybe it's because I'm overheating in the basement of my dorm while waiting for the washing machine to finish with my first load of laundry,

and maybe it's because my anthropology textbook is sitting on the coffee table,

unopened,

and maybe it's because I've been thinking more about the attractive boys in my new ward that I haven't really talked to

because I'm good at justifying my antisocial tendencies

but it's probably mostly because I'm scared.

I'm scared that puzzling out my feelings for anyone

or anything

right now

could be potentially painful.

I've never had a high pain tolerance,

so I'm trying to avoid.

Maybe it's because I'm scared that it won't be painful.

Maybe if it isn't painful,

it means I was wrong the whole time.

Maybe I've always been wrong,

and the sun revolves around the earth

and the blue in the maps are the land and we are the ocean

and hearts were meant for only blood

and I've never actually loved

and

and

and

and

and

and I'll get over it
and I'm scared to get over it
and
and

--

Not There

The desire to dance alone in your room may someday be replaced by the desire to rest,
the blisters on your toes may someday be replaced by socks, shoes, and a season white as the innocence you didn't realize you had,
the faces in your memory may someday be replaced by to-do lists and words that lost their meaning when you weren't looking,
and your heart may someday be replaced by the needles that fell off of the first Christmas tree in your parents' living room.


--Erin

Ode to Summertime Insomnia

The days become longer than our legs and the nights belong more to laughter than to heavy eyelids.

We can roast our hearts over the campfire, 

but they'll never understand why we fear obscurity more than death.

The stars read our tears and tell us that wanderlust was always a myth,

and we'll all find Polaris eventually

because north may never be the way home,

but home is only where the heart is until it gets sick of your indecision.

We'll go south and southwest because our feet never had a mind of their own.

Certainty lies in bed with confusion, 

but their skin never touches while the world calls our tongues unstable.

We inhale truth like a child, 

but we only expel CO2 and a wish for the genie we never believed would grant it.

Someone tell me that clouds will never be obselete when all I've ever wanted was to fly,

because I'm no romantic,

and dreams are for the peaceful.

--Erin

Flora

I want you to give me flowers, but my sharp tongue makes the daisies clutch their pearls and the roses call me cynical.

I'd ask for carnations and orchids, but the former think I'm too excessive and the latter have always needed more than I could give them.

The succulents say I try too hard and the lilies tell me I wear too much perfume.

Baby's breath hasn't yet convinced me to be delicate and the tulips never asked for the broken.

I want you to give me the flowers that have never claimed me, but they rarely bloom at night and I'm awake for the witching hour.

I'm calling five AM bedtime and I'm calling you love, but you'll probably never know either of those things because I make up for the lack of sleep in the afternoons I don't see you and I can't really make up for the lack of love, but I guess that's what this cracking heart is for.

I know that I can ask for you until I'm out of nickels, but a wishing well is nothing more than an empty promise and in the moonlight you can see through its lies. The running water never understood why it couldn't wash away sin. 

You know that I've never kissed a boy when it mattered, but I want to kiss you just to prove that it still can because even stardust inhales when it looks into your eyes.

I don't really know what to do, though, and I don't really know how to tell you that I could be better with you than her because I don't even know who she is, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know you as well as I do and you probably don't know her as well as you know me.

Don't let that stop you, though.

Buy her some flowers and tell her you love her. I've never been sure if they would feel more alive on the branch or in your hands.

I'd ask your opinion, but sometimes I question the validity of my own tongue and you'll never know that the world looks better in the rear view mirror than in profile because I'll never have the conviction to leave it.

I'll never have the conviction to leave you.

--Erin

Truths

• It made my day when I saw an article about Bill Murray photo bombing a couple's engagement photo.
• I hate bra shopping more than almost anything. If it fits in one way, it's too tight another way, and if it fits the other way, it's digging into your armpit and it doesn't help if you're in between two sizes, so it's either too loose or too tight AND THERE'S NO HAPPY MEDIUM and you're close to crying in the middle of the dressing room because BOOBS ARE SO FRUSTRATING AND BOYS HAVE NO IDEA and I totally said boobs on my blog and I'm not even going to apologize.
• I really need to learn to sleep in pants before I go to college.
• That one boy got back together with the girl he won't tell me the name of AND I'M ALSO REALLY FRUSTRATED WITH HIM because they got back together the day after he told me she broke it off AND IF THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A MONTH you'd think he'd at least tell me her name and I'm not very happy with him right now because I didn't find out they were still a thing until two nights ago, and again, A MONTH. HE HID THIS FROM ME FOR A MONTH.
• Last night we had a Laurel/Priest swim party and the boys were trying to climb up the slide all at once and I had the brilliant/not brilliant at all idea to have the girls slide down from the top to foil their plot and I ended up with a knee to the kidney, hitting my head against the side of the slide, then underneath everyone when we got into the water. I now have a bruise above my ear.
• I just really want someone to take me on a date to How To Train Your Dragon 2, mostly because I don't want to spend money on overpriced movie tickets.
• I don't really eat meals during the summer. I sleep through breakfast, eat some nachos or something, then snack until bedtime.
• I move into the dorms in just over a week and everyone keeps asking me if I'm scared and I'm asking myself if I'm scared, but I'm really not. I don't feel apprehensive or unsure or anything. Maybe it'll set in later. 
• One time I texted my friend in the middle of the night about the probability of there being aliens in North Korea and he didn't even ask questions and that made me happy.
• I have an obsession with Sleigh Bells.
• I really just want my father to go take me to get a laptop. That's pretty much all I need now, besides my ID card and such. I've got organizers and bedding and a hamper and I've sorted through my shoes to decide which ones I want to take with me. Still need boxes to pack up my clothes, but I'll do that next week.
• I really wish they had included the "The Red Wheelbarrow" part in The Fault in Our Stars movie.
• One time, a few years ago, my friend and I were hanging out with a few boys who wanted to go streaking. We said no, because, obviously, but we waited until they had run off and then stole their clothes and ran away.
• I'm in the middle of An Abundance of Katherines right now and I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out as heart-wrenchingly as TFiOS and Looking for Alaska did.
• I want to see the Grand Budapest Hotel and I'm trying to convince my mom to rent it when it comes out, because she also wants to see it.
• I drove to Sonic yesterday because I was bored and it was Happy Hour and that may just be a summary of my life.

--Erin

I can't see the sky tonight.

I'd be a star if you held my hand.

The kind that burns like your heart

and especially the kind that twinkles.

That's how they like to describe eyes,

but mine are usually called bright

because low light never stopped me from laughing 

and high looks never stopped me from crying.

Lace your fingers between mine and we can walk in a galaxy 

and make promises to the small, small people who smile at the sky.

They smile even after they've given up Love

because they smile at her sister.

They tell me it's because

Hope said "always"

when Love said "maybe"

and I guess that's why Love pulls away

while Hope holds tight.

Her hands are softer, anyway.

--Erin

Long flights and careful words

Look with me and we'll mistake the clouds for complacency

and we'll see ballerinas and piggy banks

but we'll know nothing more than vapor 

and the face you wish you saw was always nothing more than vapid.

The floor rolls beneath us, 
but we'll pretend the turbulence on the plane

is worse than the shaking in our plans.

They told me flying is risky,

but no one gets hurt unless they fall.

My mom asked me when the last time was,

and I said 6 years because that's the answer she wanted to hear.

I didn't say that I've always been up here,

and I didn't tell her that the world looks softer when you can't touch it.

The green and the purple give way to the blue and the white 
and then I'm seeing the sun from above the mundane.

An inhale is less than an exhale when it's supposed to matter,

but breathing really only matters to my blood.

I've always been alive in the most basic way,

but dreams are more complicated than anatomy

and I've never had more than a passing interest in science.

The airport is for people-watching,

but my mind is for introspection,

so I think and think
and think.

I think about the way the clouds look so innocent,

but the piggy bank is having an affair with the ballerina while he's married to the hippo,

and the frog tried to hit on the spaceship last night and now he's soaking his shirt to get alcohol out of the threads.

The snow that falls here might outshine my soul, 

but the icebergs in the sky might disagree.

Popping ears will tell you you're changing,

but it's worth getting closer to the shapes our eyes have always wished for,
imperfect enough that we can say that we know.
We know.


--Erin

+1=18 and I'm proud of a piece of paper.

I gave myself forty-five minutes to get ready, but we were still running late on the way out.

I don't really have a group of senior girl friends, so I ended up sitting next to my best friend from 2nd to the beginning of 8th grade.

Her fingernails were painted silver and mine were gold, less because of school spirit and more because of my gold shoes that went with my navy dress.

I want to say that the difference in our metallic preferences was what caused us to grow apart, but we both wore silver in those days.

We didn't talk, but I kind of wish we did.

I guess my friends yelled as I walked to get my not-diploma, but I didn't hear until I had already walked down the other side.

I was born at an unremarkable time, around 10:30 am, but no applications ever ask for birthtime. 18 years later, we sang the last fight song and I felt no nostalgia.

My dad said that my hair looked pretty today, and I realized that he probably tells me about my physical beauty more often than he calls me smart, and that makes me wonder why.

He might think I'm more secure about my intelligence than my looks, but I guess that's probably true.

Still, something about being praised for the appearance that occurred 75% naturally rather than what I've worked to gain and maintain doesn't sit well with me.

amethyst wine said hi to me at the PF Chang's after graduation despite the fact that my lipstick had long ago become little more than glorified lip liner, and I hate that inevitable stage of lipstick usage.

I had planned to go to Priscilla Belle's open house because she promised food, but then I laid down on my bed and fell asleep in the middle of a text for a few hours. Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy Sarrrraaaahhhhhhh

I didn't go to the all night party, but I did stay out until one and stuffed my face with potato chips, so.

The plane to Florida was still long after I finished Looking for Alaska, so I wrote a poem about several things and also nothing, but I really only like half of it, so maybe I'll publish it when I edit it when I have a real keyboard.

#selfiepotter with my mama.

Butterbeer is the shit, even though I'm pretty sure it's really just cream soda with marshmallow and heavy cream on top.

My mom bought me a Slytherin shirt and it's bringing me great joy.

I was debating, the past few days, whether or not to change my display name for this blog or just keep it as Alis, but I guess you all already know me, or my name at least, so.

Also, thanks to Icarus and pleasefindmehere for the birthday wishes. They made me immeasurably happy. I actually super love you guys, so, stay sweet. #yearbookmessages

The summer blog list is making me smile so far, and I wish all of you with the pen names would trust us enough to tell us your names, but I guess that'll come with time. Btw, all these new blogs are fantastic. (The old blogs are, too, but I'm pretty sure I've already told you all how much I love you.)

Nels, thanks for letting us do this. My summer isn't really going to be a summer, so thank you for the chance to share.

--Erin

Call me "Reality"

I didn't really feel comfortable staying with Alis' blog. 
I like where I finished with her.
It's like when you say, "It's not you, it's me. I hope we can stay friends."
But she actually understood.

I'm starting new, because I don't think I need to recover myself anymore. 
I've kind of figured it out, and I'm nowhere near who I was before I started this experience.
I thought I was obedient, unquestioning, maybe a little bit snarky.
Alis taught me that I can think for myself and that I don't need to be told who I am.

This blog won't be a list of confessions, though it may seem like it from time to time.
This blog will be my escape.
A place where I can speak my mind and express my discontent and admit how unsure I am about everything because they'd get mad at me for swearing at BYU and I'm not fully sure why I'm going there anymore.

Thanks for letting me change a bit.

I'll probably change a bit more.

--Erin