Fell

Lovely words and lovely people
call your name

but they move too fast
and every time your hand reaches out

it touches air.
it touches air.
it touches air.
air touches it.


--Erin

Block

The words have come easier than they do now

and maybe it's because I'm overheating in the basement of my dorm while waiting for the washing machine to finish with my first load of laundry,

and maybe it's because my anthropology textbook is sitting on the coffee table,

unopened,

and maybe it's because I've been thinking more about the attractive boys in my new ward that I haven't really talked to

because I'm good at justifying my antisocial tendencies

but it's probably mostly because I'm scared.

I'm scared that puzzling out my feelings for anyone

or anything

right now

could be potentially painful.

I've never had a high pain tolerance,

so I'm trying to avoid.

Maybe it's because I'm scared that it won't be painful.

Maybe if it isn't painful,

it means I was wrong the whole time.

Maybe I've always been wrong,

and the sun revolves around the earth

and the blue in the maps are the land and we are the ocean

and hearts were meant for only blood

and I've never actually loved

and

and

and

and

and

and I'll get over it
and I'm scared to get over it
and
and

--

Not There

The desire to dance alone in your room may someday be replaced by the desire to rest,
the blisters on your toes may someday be replaced by socks, shoes, and a season white as the innocence you didn't realize you had,
the faces in your memory may someday be replaced by to-do lists and words that lost their meaning when you weren't looking,
and your heart may someday be replaced by the needles that fell off of the first Christmas tree in your parents' living room.


--Erin

Ode to Summertime Insomnia

The days become longer than our legs and the nights belong more to laughter than to heavy eyelids.

We can roast our hearts over the campfire, 

but they'll never understand why we fear obscurity more than death.

The stars read our tears and tell us that wanderlust was always a myth,

and we'll all find Polaris eventually

because north may never be the way home,

but home is only where the heart is until it gets sick of your indecision.

We'll go south and southwest because our feet never had a mind of their own.

Certainty lies in bed with confusion, 

but their skin never touches while the world calls our tongues unstable.

We inhale truth like a child, 

but we only expel CO2 and a wish for the genie we never believed would grant it.

Someone tell me that clouds will never be obselete when all I've ever wanted was to fly,

because I'm no romantic,

and dreams are for the peaceful.

--Erin

Flora

I want you to give me flowers, but my sharp tongue makes the daisies clutch their pearls and the roses call me cynical.

I'd ask for carnations and orchids, but the former think I'm too excessive and the latter have always needed more than I could give them.

The succulents say I try too hard and the lilies tell me I wear too much perfume.

Baby's breath hasn't yet convinced me to be delicate and the tulips never asked for the broken.

I want you to give me the flowers that have never claimed me, but they rarely bloom at night and I'm awake for the witching hour.

I'm calling five AM bedtime and I'm calling you love, but you'll probably never know either of those things because I make up for the lack of sleep in the afternoons I don't see you and I can't really make up for the lack of love, but I guess that's what this cracking heart is for.

I know that I can ask for you until I'm out of nickels, but a wishing well is nothing more than an empty promise and in the moonlight you can see through its lies. The running water never understood why it couldn't wash away sin. 

You know that I've never kissed a boy when it mattered, but I want to kiss you just to prove that it still can because even stardust inhales when it looks into your eyes.

I don't really know what to do, though, and I don't really know how to tell you that I could be better with you than her because I don't even know who she is, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know you as well as I do and you probably don't know her as well as you know me.

Don't let that stop you, though.

Buy her some flowers and tell her you love her. I've never been sure if they would feel more alive on the branch or in your hands.

I'd ask your opinion, but sometimes I question the validity of my own tongue and you'll never know that the world looks better in the rear view mirror than in profile because I'll never have the conviction to leave it.

I'll never have the conviction to leave you.

--Erin

Truths

• It made my day when I saw an article about Bill Murray photo bombing a couple's engagement photo.
• I hate bra shopping more than almost anything. If it fits in one way, it's too tight another way, and if it fits the other way, it's digging into your armpit and it doesn't help if you're in between two sizes, so it's either too loose or too tight AND THERE'S NO HAPPY MEDIUM and you're close to crying in the middle of the dressing room because BOOBS ARE SO FRUSTRATING AND BOYS HAVE NO IDEA and I totally said boobs on my blog and I'm not even going to apologize.
• I really need to learn to sleep in pants before I go to college.
• That one boy got back together with the girl he won't tell me the name of AND I'M ALSO REALLY FRUSTRATED WITH HIM because they got back together the day after he told me she broke it off AND IF THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A MONTH you'd think he'd at least tell me her name and I'm not very happy with him right now because I didn't find out they were still a thing until two nights ago, and again, A MONTH. HE HID THIS FROM ME FOR A MONTH.
• Last night we had a Laurel/Priest swim party and the boys were trying to climb up the slide all at once and I had the brilliant/not brilliant at all idea to have the girls slide down from the top to foil their plot and I ended up with a knee to the kidney, hitting my head against the side of the slide, then underneath everyone when we got into the water. I now have a bruise above my ear.
• I just really want someone to take me on a date to How To Train Your Dragon 2, mostly because I don't want to spend money on overpriced movie tickets.
• I don't really eat meals during the summer. I sleep through breakfast, eat some nachos or something, then snack until bedtime.
• I move into the dorms in just over a week and everyone keeps asking me if I'm scared and I'm asking myself if I'm scared, but I'm really not. I don't feel apprehensive or unsure or anything. Maybe it'll set in later. 
• One time I texted my friend in the middle of the night about the probability of there being aliens in North Korea and he didn't even ask questions and that made me happy.
• I have an obsession with Sleigh Bells.
• I really just want my father to go take me to get a laptop. That's pretty much all I need now, besides my ID card and such. I've got organizers and bedding and a hamper and I've sorted through my shoes to decide which ones I want to take with me. Still need boxes to pack up my clothes, but I'll do that next week.
• I really wish they had included the "The Red Wheelbarrow" part in The Fault in Our Stars movie.
• One time, a few years ago, my friend and I were hanging out with a few boys who wanted to go streaking. We said no, because, obviously, but we waited until they had run off and then stole their clothes and ran away.
• I'm in the middle of An Abundance of Katherines right now and I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out as heart-wrenchingly as TFiOS and Looking for Alaska did.
• I want to see the Grand Budapest Hotel and I'm trying to convince my mom to rent it when it comes out, because she also wants to see it.
• I drove to Sonic yesterday because I was bored and it was Happy Hour and that may just be a summary of my life.

--Erin

I can't see the sky tonight.

I'd be a star if you held my hand.

The kind that burns like your heart

and especially the kind that twinkles.

That's how they like to describe eyes,

but mine are usually called bright

because low light never stopped me from laughing 

and high looks never stopped me from crying.

Lace your fingers between mine and we can walk in a galaxy 

and make promises to the small, small people who smile at the sky.

They smile even after they've given up Love

because they smile at her sister.

They tell me it's because

Hope said "always"

when Love said "maybe"

and I guess that's why Love pulls away

while Hope holds tight.

Her hands are softer, anyway.

--Erin

Long flights and careful words

Look with me and we'll mistake the clouds for complacency

and we'll see ballerinas and piggy banks

but we'll know nothing more than vapor 

and the face you wish you saw was always nothing more than vapid.

The floor rolls beneath us, 
but we'll pretend the turbulence on the plane

is worse than the shaking in our plans.

They told me flying is risky,

but no one gets hurt unless they fall.

My mom asked me when the last time was,

and I said 6 years because that's the answer she wanted to hear.

I didn't say that I've always been up here,

and I didn't tell her that the world looks softer when you can't touch it.

The green and the purple give way to the blue and the white 
and then I'm seeing the sun from above the mundane.

An inhale is less than an exhale when it's supposed to matter,

but breathing really only matters to my blood.

I've always been alive in the most basic way,

but dreams are more complicated than anatomy

and I've never had more than a passing interest in science.

The airport is for people-watching,

but my mind is for introspection,

so I think and think
and think.

I think about the way the clouds look so innocent,

but the piggy bank is having an affair with the ballerina while he's married to the hippo,

and the frog tried to hit on the spaceship last night and now he's soaking his shirt to get alcohol out of the threads.

The snow that falls here might outshine my soul, 

but the icebergs in the sky might disagree.

Popping ears will tell you you're changing,

but it's worth getting closer to the shapes our eyes have always wished for,
imperfect enough that we can say that we know.
We know.


--Erin

+1=18 and I'm proud of a piece of paper.

I gave myself forty-five minutes to get ready, but we were still running late on the way out.

I don't really have a group of senior girl friends, so I ended up sitting next to my best friend from 2nd to the beginning of 8th grade.

Her fingernails were painted silver and mine were gold, less because of school spirit and more because of my gold shoes that went with my navy dress.

I want to say that the difference in our metallic preferences was what caused us to grow apart, but we both wore silver in those days.

We didn't talk, but I kind of wish we did.

I guess my friends yelled as I walked to get my not-diploma, but I didn't hear until I had already walked down the other side.

I was born at an unremarkable time, around 10:30 am, but no applications ever ask for birthtime. 18 years later, we sang the last fight song and I felt no nostalgia.

My dad said that my hair looked pretty today, and I realized that he probably tells me about my physical beauty more often than he calls me smart, and that makes me wonder why.

He might think I'm more secure about my intelligence than my looks, but I guess that's probably true.

Still, something about being praised for the appearance that occurred 75% naturally rather than what I've worked to gain and maintain doesn't sit well with me.

amethyst wine said hi to me at the PF Chang's after graduation despite the fact that my lipstick had long ago become little more than glorified lip liner, and I hate that inevitable stage of lipstick usage.

I had planned to go to Priscilla Belle's open house because she promised food, but then I laid down on my bed and fell asleep in the middle of a text for a few hours. Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy Sarrrraaaahhhhhhh

I didn't go to the all night party, but I did stay out until one and stuffed my face with potato chips, so.

The plane to Florida was still long after I finished Looking for Alaska, so I wrote a poem about several things and also nothing, but I really only like half of it, so maybe I'll publish it when I edit it when I have a real keyboard.

#selfiepotter with my mama.

Butterbeer is the shit, even though I'm pretty sure it's really just cream soda with marshmallow and heavy cream on top.

My mom bought me a Slytherin shirt and it's bringing me great joy.

I was debating, the past few days, whether or not to change my display name for this blog or just keep it as Alis, but I guess you all already know me, or my name at least, so.

Also, thanks to Icarus and pleasefindmehere for the birthday wishes. They made me immeasurably happy. I actually super love you guys, so, stay sweet. #yearbookmessages

The summer blog list is making me smile so far, and I wish all of you with the pen names would trust us enough to tell us your names, but I guess that'll come with time. Btw, all these new blogs are fantastic. (The old blogs are, too, but I'm pretty sure I've already told you all how much I love you.)

Nels, thanks for letting us do this. My summer isn't really going to be a summer, so thank you for the chance to share.

--Erin