Things I have actually said out loud before:

(And people still want to be seen with me in public. Don't ask me why.)

• All I can do is eat my skirt.
• I think I'm sweating grape juice.
• If I weren't here right now, I'd be jumping over tennis nets.
• You are the literal son of the devil. How do you feel about that?
• My final form is a frog.
• I hate triangles.
• My hair has a wind blown thing going on. And by that I mean that it looks like I slept in a wind tunnel.
• Because that's how I like my males. With cowlicks.
• Just because I'm in love with your brother doesn't mean we can't get married.
• Will you be my... Dreamboat?
• You aren't a line.
• Yes, Joncathon, there is a "c" in your name. Didn't your mother ever tell you?
• I think that dog just jacked a police car.
• How about instead of bringing snacks, you guys can just feast upon my image?
• You look like a cockatool. Get it? Cockatoo? Tool? No?
• My arms are too heavy for my arms.
• You have kind of an emo/Disney prince/vampire thing going on today.
• I would sell my soul to be Louise Brealy when they filmed "The Empty Hearse."
• OF COURSE IT WAS CLIMACTIC! THERE WAS MURDER! The sandwich was the denouement. 

There are so many more that it's pathetic. We'll stop here, though.

Bonus Point:

A picture I have actually sent to a real live person in an email before. And am now posting to a blog. On the internet. It's times like these that I say, "Fuck it. I'll never see these people again." It's also times like these that I hate myself.

YOU ARE ALL WELCOME. MERRY IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.

--Erin

p.s. If any of you wants to copy my idea and post terrible pictures of you and your multiple chins and air dried hair and general undesirableness, I'd appreciate it. As much as I love doing embarrassing things alone, it would be cool if you all did this with me. #trendsetter #turningheads #notinagoodway

p.p.s. I really don't know why they let me out of the house at this point.

p.p.p.s. There are several good reasons I do not now and have never had a boyfriend. This whole post is exhibit A.

p.p.p.p.s. I'm so hot. lyk, its ridikulus. omg. those chins, gurl.

p.p.p.p.p.s. I swear I don't look like that always. Look. Proof. #selfiethursday