Hi. I think I have a Crush. Capital C. Hi. I think I'm back in middle school.

Things that are cute about you:

• Green eyes (I like green eyes just in general, tbh)
• Your laugh when you stop caring
• The way you aren't ridiculously outgoing
• Your voice (it definitely isn't off-putting)
• That you sometimes watch me
• You say "hi" to me first
• Your smile when something unexpected happens
• Your smile when something unexpected doesn't happen, you're just happy
• You don't feel the need to smile all the time

Things you should know about me:

• I'm not what you would call "trusting"
• I swear (kind of a lot)
• I am kind of anti-social and you'll have to tear me away from fanfiction sometimes
• I'm protective of my restaurant leftovers
• I like babies
• I spend a lot of money at Sonic
• I probably won't talk to you unless you talk to me
• I sleep (kind of a lot)
• I write pretentious poetry often
• I will probably tell you the same stories over and over again
• I'm bad at the whole "share your feelings with me" thing, so if that happens, it'll probably be through pretentious poetry and I'll make you read it but then won't let you discuss it with me because I'm insecure about it and it'll make me feel weird that you've read it even if I've expressly told you to
• I love Harry Potter more than Dobby loves hats
• I probably won't tell you anything on either of these lists because you're cute but I'm introverted and I don't like that whole rejection thing because who does so I'm planning to die alone with various cats and dogs so my hermit house will almost invariably smell like shit and I'll be like that lady in my ward who had a pet raccoon oh my gosh I'm going to end up like Sister Tracey
• Sometimes run-ons
• I'm majoring in English and attempting to be with the Phantom so if we get married, which we probably won't, let's hope you're going the Raoul route and majoring in business or something boring like that (no offense to the business majors, but)

Conclusion:

• I wouldn't be opposed to you taking me on a date, but I can guarantee that I won't ask you out myself because I've already been over this with the Sister Tracey bullet point
• You're cute
• That first list is kind of short because we really haven't talked much because I'm antisocial
• I'm awkward and make weird faces all the damn time
• I swear and you're going on a mission, so I would try not to swear in front of you just like I try not to swear where anywhere on campus except where maybe Lexi and my roommate can hear it except for when I get locked out of my room at 1:30 AM and I don't know when my roommate will be back so I have to sit in the hall without my phone until she does and I accidentally swear in the middle of the hall
• You can't hold my heart yet
• You can hold my hand

--Erin

I think I'm a loner.

you can beat the drums on aluminum tables,

hang air from the rafters,

and wrap the color of my cheeks around the beams,

but i'll still sit alone,

watching

white teeth flashing

feet shifting softly

lips tracing lyrics

warm palms falling

chins facing the stars

and i'll wonder why i'm here in the first place.

i've never really liked parties, 

to be honest.

--erin

Things I have actually said out loud before:

(And people still want to be seen with me in public. Don't ask me why.)

• All I can do is eat my skirt.
• I think I'm sweating grape juice.
• If I weren't here right now, I'd be jumping over tennis nets.
• You are the literal son of the devil. How do you feel about that?
• My final form is a frog.
• I hate triangles.
• My hair has a wind blown thing going on. And by that I mean that it looks like I slept in a wind tunnel.
• Because that's how I like my males. With cowlicks.
• Just because I'm in love with your brother doesn't mean we can't get married.
• Will you be my... Dreamboat?
• You aren't a line.
• Yes, Joncathon, there is a "c" in your name. Didn't your mother ever tell you?
• I think that dog just jacked a police car.
• How about instead of bringing snacks, you guys can just feast upon my image?
• You look like a cockatool. Get it? Cockatoo? Tool? No?
• My arms are too heavy for my arms.
• You have kind of an emo/Disney prince/vampire thing going on today.
• I would sell my soul to be Louise Brealy when they filmed "The Empty Hearse."
• OF COURSE IT WAS CLIMACTIC! THERE WAS MURDER! The sandwich was the denouement. 

There are so many more that it's pathetic. We'll stop here, though.

Bonus Point:

A picture I have actually sent to a real live person in an email before. And am now posting to a blog. On the internet. It's times like these that I say, "Fuck it. I'll never see these people again." It's also times like these that I hate myself.

YOU ARE ALL WELCOME. MERRY IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.

--Erin

p.s. If any of you wants to copy my idea and post terrible pictures of you and your multiple chins and air dried hair and general undesirableness, I'd appreciate it. As much as I love doing embarrassing things alone, it would be cool if you all did this with me. #trendsetter #turningheads #notinagoodway

p.p.s. I really don't know why they let me out of the house at this point.

p.p.p.s. There are several good reasons I do not now and have never had a boyfriend. This whole post is exhibit A.

p.p.p.p.s. I'm so hot. lyk, its ridikulus. omg. those chins, gurl.

p.p.p.p.p.s. I swear I don't look like that always. Look. Proof. #selfiethursday