Things I have actually said out loud before:

(And people still want to be seen with me in public. Don't ask me why.)

• All I can do is eat my skirt.
• I think I'm sweating grape juice.
• If I weren't here right now, I'd be jumping over tennis nets.
• You are the literal son of the devil. How do you feel about that?
• My final form is a frog.
• I hate triangles.
• My hair has a wind blown thing going on. And by that I mean that it looks like I slept in a wind tunnel.
• Because that's how I like my males. With cowlicks.
• Just because I'm in love with your brother doesn't mean we can't get married.
• Will you be my... Dreamboat?
• You aren't a line.
• Yes, Joncathon, there is a "c" in your name. Didn't your mother ever tell you?
• I think that dog just jacked a police car.
• How about instead of bringing snacks, you guys can just feast upon my image?
• You look like a cockatool. Get it? Cockatoo? Tool? No?
• My arms are too heavy for my arms.
• You have kind of an emo/Disney prince/vampire thing going on today.
• I would sell my soul to be Louise Brealy when they filmed "The Empty Hearse."
• OF COURSE IT WAS CLIMACTIC! THERE WAS MURDER! The sandwich was the denouement. 

There are so many more that it's pathetic. We'll stop here, though.

Bonus Point:

A picture I have actually sent to a real live person in an email before. And am now posting to a blog. On the internet. It's times like these that I say, "Fuck it. I'll never see these people again." It's also times like these that I hate myself.

YOU ARE ALL WELCOME. MERRY IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.

--Erin

p.s. If any of you wants to copy my idea and post terrible pictures of you and your multiple chins and air dried hair and general undesirableness, I'd appreciate it. As much as I love doing embarrassing things alone, it would be cool if you all did this with me. #trendsetter #turningheads #notinagoodway

p.p.s. I really don't know why they let me out of the house at this point.

p.p.p.s. There are several good reasons I do not now and have never had a boyfriend. This whole post is exhibit A.

p.p.p.p.s. I'm so hot. lyk, its ridikulus. omg. those chins, gurl.

p.p.p.p.p.s. I swear I don't look like that always. Look. Proof. #selfiethursday

49 things I have learned in my less than two weeks of college:

1. #collegelyfe
2. breakfast is overrated
3. the freshman fifteen is a thing and it's terrifying and it's also known as the cannon center
4. YSA ward sacrament meeting is eerily quiet
5. fanfiction is a life ruiner
6. I have an obsession with e.e. cummings
7. it's totally reasonable to spend $44 dollars at barnes and noble
8. poetry books are always more expensive than novels
9. it's actually a terrible idea to buy the big boxes of goldfish because freshman fifteen
10. being everyone's second choice kind of sucks
11. that whole hair-doing-looking-presentable thing is also overrated
12. I still love my mauve lipstick
13. cherish caffeine while you can, because guaranteed you're too lazy to walk across the street to Wendy's
14. skirts are a fabulous idea in the summer
15. unless it's windy
16. (courtesy of my roommate's cousin) don't park the car near the building if you plan on making out in it after your date
17. I either need to change clothes less often or get a bigger hamper
18. power outages result in screaming from apparently everyone but me
19. don't buy cartons of milk if you're only going to be using it for cereal every other day
20. even ten a.m. classes are difficult to stay awake in
21. the third floor is not the place to be if the a/c is out
22. there are bagels in the vending machines THIS IS NOT A DRILL
23. it's totally reasonable to be laying in your bed on a Friday night eating dry cereal out of a butterbeer mug while wearing a Gryffindor snuggie and reading fanfic about the Marauders
24. don't park near the grass or the dried sprinkler water will make your windshield esp difficult to see out of
25. writer's block is not the shit
26. cinnamon toast crunch is the shit
27. chick-fil-a is also the shit
28. sometimes saying shit on accident while you drive will make your roommate laugh
29. the whole mailing address thing in terms of the dorms is really difficult to figure out
30. it's really simpler to write notes on paper than to type them out on a laptop
31. like, really, that laptop is just more weight on your back
32. people like to go places without you 
33. all the time
34. so you end up sitting in your dorm room writing about things that you've learned so far in college and drinking dr. pepper with lipstick stains on the straw and reading selected poems from e.e. cummings
35. cake batter chapstick isn't actually bad
36. thumbtacks are really handy
37. as are command hooks
38. and goldfish
39. the xtreme cheese kind
40. even if it's $8.50 and you're just a poor college student
41. actual garbage bags are helpful
42. 3:14 is a perfectly reasonable time to go to bed
43. no one will want to go to seven peaks when you do
44. and they'll go to fault in our stars while you write a paper
45. and then you'll cry because feelings
46. and then you'll be okay because you'll come up with really good comebacks to the comments they'll never make
47. and listen to book on tape worm
48. and it's seriously all cool
49. like, srsly wat.

--Erin

Ode to Summertime Insomnia

The days become longer than our legs and the nights belong more to laughter than to heavy eyelids.

We can roast our hearts over the campfire, 

but they'll never understand why we fear obscurity more than death.

The stars read our tears and tell us that wanderlust was always a myth,

and we'll all find Polaris eventually

because north may never be the way home,

but home is only where the heart is until it gets sick of your indecision.

We'll go south and southwest because our feet never had a mind of their own.

Certainty lies in bed with confusion, 

but their skin never touches while the world calls our tongues unstable.

We inhale truth like a child, 

but we only expel CO2 and a wish for the genie we never believed would grant it.

Someone tell me that clouds will never be obselete when all I've ever wanted was to fly,

because I'm no romantic,

and dreams are for the peaceful.

--Erin

Flora

I want you to give me flowers, but my sharp tongue makes the daisies clutch their pearls and the roses call me cynical.

I'd ask for carnations and orchids, but the former think I'm too excessive and the latter have always needed more than I could give them.

The succulents say I try too hard and the lilies tell me I wear too much perfume.

Baby's breath hasn't yet convinced me to be delicate and the tulips never asked for the broken.

I want you to give me the flowers that have never claimed me, but they rarely bloom at night and I'm awake for the witching hour.

I'm calling five AM bedtime and I'm calling you love, but you'll probably never know either of those things because I make up for the lack of sleep in the afternoons I don't see you and I can't really make up for the lack of love, but I guess that's what this cracking heart is for.

I know that I can ask for you until I'm out of nickels, but a wishing well is nothing more than an empty promise and in the moonlight you can see through its lies. The running water never understood why it couldn't wash away sin. 

You know that I've never kissed a boy when it mattered, but I want to kiss you just to prove that it still can because even stardust inhales when it looks into your eyes.

I don't really know what to do, though, and I don't really know how to tell you that I could be better with you than her because I don't even know who she is, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't know you as well as I do and you probably don't know her as well as you know me.

Don't let that stop you, though.

Buy her some flowers and tell her you love her. I've never been sure if they would feel more alive on the branch or in your hands.

I'd ask your opinion, but sometimes I question the validity of my own tongue and you'll never know that the world looks better in the rear view mirror than in profile because I'll never have the conviction to leave it.

I'll never have the conviction to leave you.

--Erin